Personality Crisis
by E. Rayne
Summary: Sora Himura had long since decided that he was going to live for love...only it turns out he kind of sucks at that. Or maybe he's just been approaching it from the wrong direction? When his life as he knows it crumbles before him he learns that you have to be totally destroyed before you can be born brand new. Life is a work in progress after all. [S/K (briefly), R/S, A/R, L/C]


_distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes. | Henry David Thoreau  
_

[[**recommended listening** : _San Francisco _| _Foxygen_]]

**lonely planet boy | one.**

It was the kind of beautiful afternoon that made the view something just a little more than ordinary. Sora Himura thought about this as he stood, arms folded over his chest at the window of his office for the last time ever. What had once been a trendily decorated, pleasant office with his name on a plaque and a potted plant, only just a little bit sick, in the corner was now simply an empty room. There was nothing on the shelves, the plaque was gone, all his belongings tossed haphazardly into two small cardboard boxes. The potted plant looked sadder than ever with the blinds pulled all the way up and the sun sitting on it's leaves like a lunch guest.

Sora Himura had never been the type for a simple nine to five. He'd held this opinion ever since he was old enough to form things like opinions and he'd told Kairi and everyone else every time it came up. He wanted adventure, romance, passionate jumps from the comfortable into the unknown.

_Well then what do you want to do?_

That had always been the follow up question and he never had an answer. He'd just smile his giant, vaguely creepy, mostly cute smile and go forth with his unfailingly sunny disposition and life was always rainbows and butterflies and fat little pizza carrying cherub babies. He'd gone from temp job to temp job trying different things out, meeting people, learning things. Everywhere he went they nicknamed him "Sunshine" and threw him parties on his last day because it was impossible to meet Sora Himura and not like him, even if he didn't really like himself.

But Kairi.

Kairi was turning twenty six this year and she wanted to get married. So he buried his roots in the little travel agency, settling down for love into a job where he sent other people on the journeys he once dreamed of. But less than one month after Sora Himura buried his roots for love the company he'd settled into went completely and totally bankrupt. Sora wondered if it was some kind of terrible omen, but he tried not to think about it..

There was a knock on the frame of his open door and Sora smiled at the view, thinking of some last compliments for his final Destiny Islands sunset. He turned to face Namine from advertising standing in his doorway. He offered her his million watt smile and she returned it, dim, but genuine. She walked inside to stand beside him, looking out over the city painted with the colors of the sunset.

"Hard to believe this is it huh?" she asked folding her arms over her chest. Sora had always liked Namine. She was pretty and kind and didn't seem to want anything from him.

"It still hasn't really hit me. I feel like I just started working here." he said putting his hands into his pockets.

"You practically did just start working here," she said laughing, before sobering up, "I guess it's a bit different for me. I've been here for so long, it sort of feels like leaving home."

Sora put a hand on her shoulder, half envying her. Even though the company went under Namine had found something she loved, somewhere she belonged and could give her one hundred percent to. "Do you know what you're going to do now?"

Namine shrugged, "I'll freelance for a while, put some feelers out for something more stable. What about you? Is it true you're leaving?"

"An old friend of Kairi has a pretty successful business in Radiant Garden. He offered her a job so we're going to move there." Sora said, smiling.

"But what are _you_ going to do?" Namine asked, there was something sad about his smile to her, "Do you mind moving?"

"I'll figure something out, I always do!" Sora answered brightly, "Really I just want to be near Kairi, so long as we're together I'm sure everything will work out fine."

Namine gave him a smile that could rival his own, hugging him tightly before pulling away, "Keep in touch Sora." she said before leaving the office for good.

Standing in his now dark, empty office, alone with just his boxes and his one dying plant Sora felt guilty. He felt as if he had done something wrong. It was the guilty feeling that usually accompanied telling a lie to someone you cared about and getting away with it.

_But...I didn't tell any lies. _He thought, frowning as even in his head it sounded like trying to convince himself.

* * *

Sora had decided, three and half semesters into college that no matter what happened, he was going to live for love. He couldn't really remember why now, but it had sounded like the most brilliant idea he had ever come up with at the time.

As it turned out however, Sora Himura was not exactly gifted at living for love. All his relationships ended disastrously, like scenes out of a daytime melodrama. Mascara tears he didn't quite understand instilling in him a guilt he didn't feel he deserved. The problem was, his last girlfriend had so kindly informed him, that he was just too nice. He treated everyone the same and it hurt. Sora thought that was stupid, but knew better than to say that. But when Kairi walked in, looking to plan a memorial weekend getaway his luck had turned around.

Three years ago he found himself awe-stricken and speechless as she blinked at him with eyes that were blue in some lights, purple in others beneath her curtain of auburn hair. He was sure he'd said something stupid and she'd giggled and it felt like someone had just bust open a piñata in his gut.

Sora lay on his side of their shared bed, watching the girl who had once made him feel like candy was raining down onto his internal organs and felt his stomach twist into knots. She ran a delicate looking brush through her bright red hair, humming softly to herself.

"Kairi," he said softly, sitting up and letting the blankets pool around his legs.

"Hm?" she answered distractedly, putting down her brush and rose, gathering the few things that remained on the vanity and dropping them into a cardboard box beside it.

"I'm a little nervous."

"Nervous?" she said, sparing Sora a glance as she went into the ensuite bathroom to gather the rest of her things, "What are you nervous about?" She called over her shoulder.

"Of just, everything. The move, finding a job, meeting your friends mostly. What if they hate me?"

Kairi came out of the bathroom, wearing a weary but patient smile, she dropped her things into the box before moving towards the bed,leaning down to press a kiss against his lips, "I love you Sora. And they'll love you too. It's impossible not to love you."

Sora leaned into her touch, her words doing little to ease the knot in his stomach.

Kairi pulled away, "Now get up and get ready. I need to finish packing this room right now if we want to be on the road by noon."

Sora sighed and rose from the bed, giving the redhead a weak smile as he entered the bathroom and closed the door. He leaned against the counter, looking at himself in the mirror. Perhaps nervous wasn't the right word.

Something felt off, wrong almost.

Sora frowned at his reflection, "Get it together," he said sternly to himself, "This move is the next step for your and Kai's relationship. You're getting to travel somewhere new with the woman you love. It's the adventure you've always wanted so stop being nervous or whatever and make it happen."

He paused, glaring at his reflection for a moment longer before allowing his face to settle back into neutral. He tried his blinding toothpaste commercial grin, disappointed to find it looked the same. It was so easy to fake it. All he had to do was smile like that and everyone was satisfied.

Sora Himura could tell you a million and one things he didn't want. But when it came to what he _did_ want he had absolutely no idea.

'_I am satisfied with my life_,' Sora thought as he stepped into the shower, the nagging feeling that he was a liar slithered into his stomach, settled into the knot and made a home

* * *

"Are you _seriously_ bringing that thing?" Kairi asked from her place leaning on the car with her arms crossed. She tapped her fingers on her biceps as she watched her boyfriend carry the wilting, doomed plant across the driveway.

"Yes, and you can't talk me out of it. I need to bring it back to life." Sora said, opening the passenger door and shoving it in so that it sit in between the drivers seat and front passenger before moving away to let Kairi in.

"We can buy a new plant when we get to Radiant Garden Sor, a healthy one." She said as she slid into her seat.

"Absolutely not," Sora said, shutting her door and walking around the car to take his own seat. He closed the door after him and buckled his seatbelt before he added, "I made it my responsibility and I'm going to see it through."

Kairi was silent for a moment before she smiled, reaching up to rub the back of his neck, "You're so adorably responsible."

Sora beamed at her before turning his attention to the rear view mirror and backing out of the driveway for the millionth and last time. He was overcome for the first time with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. This had been his home his entire life and he was doing the thing he always wanted to do, leave it. But rather than simply feeling happy and excited he found himself with the unidentifiable ball of unpleasantness sitting in his body like a kidney stone.

He shot a look towards Kairi who was fiddling with the car radio, smiling softly to herself. Sora smiled inwardly, '_No more worrying Sora. You're moving to a new place with the love of your life by your side. Everything is going to be just fine_.'

Sora tried not to gawk as he drove through Radiant Garden. Driving through downtown all the buildings were sleek and modern, all towering metal and glass that reflected the dying sun like it was boasting. In Destiny Islands the tallest building was six stories high and that was considered massive. Here everyone seemed to be beautiful, well dressed, and in a hurry.

They'd managed to avoid the rush hour traffic and pulled onto the freeway, traveling from the downtown area into a place that seemed much less glamorous. Sora rolled up the windows as they drove through another part of the city, that was just as sprawling but just a bit more run down.

"Ugh, this neighborhood is called Hollow Bastion. Totally failed during the depression and since then it's been slumsville." Kairi said, locking the doors for emphasis, "There is absolutely nothing for _us_ here."

Sora looked for a moment too long at a homeless man sleeping on a flattened cardboard box in front of a grafitti covered, shuttered store front. He felt the ball of unpleasantness in his stomach grow and nearly sighed in relief when the light changed.

Driving through Hollow Bastion left Sora feeling like he'd been sitting at the bottom of the ocean for a hundred years but as they pulled into the suburbs he pushed those thoughts aside. Here were the white picket fences, manicured lawns, and picture perfect paint jobs he'd only seen in movies. He followed the GPS's directions until they pulled into the driveway of a small brick house that looked exactly like all of the other small brick houses surrounding it.

"Home sweet home!" Kairi said excitedly, fumbling to unbutton her seatbelt.

Sora felt...dissappointed. Sure the house was nice enough but it blended almost unsettlingly with all the others on the block. There was nothing special about it and all of the yards were boxed in, so that the sky met their world, not at the ocean, but at the tips of six foot tall wooden plank fences as far as the eye could see.

"Sor?"

Sora looked up into the excited, expectant face of his girlfriend, seeing the tendrils of worry slowly making their way into her expression.

Sora unbuckled his seatbelt with his trademark phony million watt smile and he tried not to feel disappointed at how easily this seemed to placate her.

"Let's see inside!"

Kairi's smile returned and she nodded, unbuckling her seatbelt, "Just grab the essentials! We'll unload tomorrow. I want to explore the house and go to bed."

Sora nodded, catching his reflection in the rearview mirror as the door slammed behind her. He took a deep breath, letting his smile falter for just a moment before unbuckling his own seatbelt and following her.

He stood outside of the trunk, looking hard at the modest collection of bags and boxes the two had brought with them. Their life together, their whole relationship could easily be reduced to six medium sized cardboard boxes, one large rolling suitcase, three duffle bags and a dying potted plant.

"Sora, come on!" Kairi called, waving to him from the driveway as she bounced on her heels in excitement. Sora found himself smiling, a real smile, at the sight of it. He made to grab a duffle bag but stopped himself. In this moment, that didn't quite feel essential to him. His eyes caught the brown laced green of the potted plant in the corner and he grabbed that instead, balancing it against his hip like a baby as he slammed the trunk closed.

Kairi gave him a wary look, but didn't say anything. Turning instead to open the door.

It was dark, but from what Sora could see it was typical as far as houses went. White tiled floor and a very slight step from the vestibule into the actual living room. Kairi closed the door behind him and he reached out to the light switch, flicking it on. The whole room filled with light in the exact moment as,

"SURPRISE!"

Sora dropped the plant, Kairi screamed.

As Sora's mind struggled to process the event Kairi's scream turned from one of terrified surprise, to shocked glee and she jumped over the plant to launch herself onto one of the intruders who wrapped their arms around her and spun her around.

Sora looked down at the plant, which lay on its side, black soil spilled all over the otherwise pristine white tiles. He felt an inexplicable pulling in his chest. He looked away from the sad, sad plant and it was as if he removed his ear plugs just in time to hear the chatter die down. Their living room was already furnished with a plush blue carpet and a black couch. The otherwise bare walls had multi-colored balloons stuck haphazardly around a "Welcome back Kairi!" banner and there were five unfamiliar people gathered beneath it, one of the girls still had her arms wrapped half around Kairi, and they were all staring at him, staring at the plant.

The room fell into an awkward silence, which Kairi attempted to break with a "Sora...honey, are you okay?"

Sora looked into the faces of each and every guest before turning his grin back on, "Yea, sorry. Just surprised me...that's all."

There was a heartbeat left of awkward silence before everyone laughed. Sora bent down and righted the plant, scooping as much of the soil back into it as he could. He picked it up and put it on a side table, sighing inwardly.

"I can't believe it! How did you guys do this?" Kairi asked, beaming.

A blonde boy who looked like he was probably some sort of athlete when he was in school wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "We got the spare keys from your dad."

"We figured you'd want some sort of welcome. I'm so glad you're back!"

"I'm glad I'm back," Kairi exclaimed grabbing the girl in a hug, "I missed you guys!"

"You must be Sora."

Sora wasn't sure who said it, but he could feel all their eyes on him, searching for something. "Last I checked," he said, intending to sound friendly and humorous but he winced at how sarcastic it actually sounded out loud.

There was a heartbeat of silence in which he contemplated apologizing and explaining himself but Kairi laid a hand softly on his arm, "Oh yes, introductions! Sora this is Selphie, Tidus, Wakka, Olette, and Pence, my best friends in the entire world. Everyone this is Sora, my super adorable boyfriend." she reached up to pinch his cheek on her last comment.

"Nice to meet you," Sora said, smiling widely to relieve some of the inexplicable tension he felt. They all smiled back and shook hands but there was something off about the whole exchange, something phony.

"Just boyfriend?" The girl introduced as Selphie said raising Kairi's hand to look, "No ring?" her tone was joking but there was something in the air that didn't feel so good natured.

"Selphie!" Kairi exclaimed laughing.

Sora wanted to scowl but instead he sat and he smiled and he laughed at the appropriate times as the group exchanged stories about their teenage years mentioning names and places and jokes he didn't know. Sora knew sitting there that he would never really be friends with these people, never really know them. They would be pleasant enough, polite and friendly when necessary but they would always be Kairi's friends, not his.

The pleasant yet alienating chatter died down as the sound of the doorbell reverberated through the household. Sora and Kairi looked at each other in confusion.

"Oh! That must be Hayner!" Olette exclaimed, clapping her hands together in excitement.

"H-Hayner?!" Kairi exclaimed, something in her tone of voice made Sora's heart drop into his stomach.

_Who the hell is Hayner?_ He thought as he turned his attention to the blonde who had just come in through the door carrying a bouquet of flowers. He was tall, handsome in a boyish sort of way, dressed in the suit and tie of someone who had just come from a well paying adult job. There was a softness, a familiarity in his hazel eyes that Sora found echoed in Kairi's blue violet ones.

"Long time no see beautiful," he said with a perfect white toothed smile and Kairi squealed before launching herself into his arms.

Sora averted his gaze as the pit in his stomach widened. All of Kairi's friends had pleased, hopeful looks on their faces and in a room full of people Sora never felt more alone.

**a|n:**  
hello friends~~yea. I'm not too sure why I'm starting another story on the first day of NaNoWriMo with a story waiting to be finished and four million other ideas on the back burner but..heheh Here we are! This is inspired by the movie _Rid of Me_ which I actually only remember the general plot for and the opening scene (if you've seen the movie, you'll know why). It's not an adaptation or a reworking of it or anything but just a reinterpretation of/generally inspired by the general idea. I'm quite excited to write it and it is almost completely music driven and should be a ton of fun :) Warning in advance though, I am attempting NaNoWriMo this year, so updates may be a bit slow at first but I have high hopes for this story!

Please let me know what you think!


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